Why Internet Lists are Stupid or Offended as a Man

Why Internet Lists are Stupid or Offended as a Man

     After doing some facebooking (facebooking has the red squiggle under it, how has this not been added to our vernacular?) earlier today, I ran across one of those lists like "20 things every twenty something should think" or "15 ways to make your butt hole camera ready". (I would probably read the latter) This piece of internet brilliance was called "50 things Every Woman Should Realize About Men". I don't know why I clicked on it, but I felt like there had to be some jewels of information contained inside. I was right, but for the wrong reasons. This was a list full of shallow and deviant behavior that apparently every guy is a part of. I was amazed that at least 75% of the things listed did not apply to me. Let's deconstruct a few of them shall we?

#1- Stay away from your man's internet search history. 
     This was number one. The most important thing a girl can know about a guy is to not look at his browser history? really? This is most important? Not "never hit him in the balls"? Look, regardless of what your guy may look at, if he is too damn dumb not to delete his history or use incognito mode, then he is too damn dumb to understand most anything else about modern life. You really want this moron to father children one day? God save society at that point.

# 4- He will choose his friends over you.
     If you are at a point where there is a choice that has to be made, one of you has done something horribly wrong and you are obviously not right for one another. Stop grabbing and straws and just handshake and walk away from one another. On the flip side, if this situation keeps arising, you are obviously either a bitch or just have terrible judgement with men. Either way, look inside first.

#13- You should learn to play pool
     No. what? People still go out and do that? This isn't the 20's. We aren't to going to a speakeasy to shoot billiards over some glasses of bathtub gin. That is such a broad statement that means absolutely nothing. Why don't you learn an activity he also enjoys so when you find out he doesn't like pool, you don't have to start a sentence with the phrase "But the internet said..."

#24-He has no interest in shoes
     High heels, yes. this is true. But past that, not at all. I have great concerns about my shoes. My knees are powder, I am constantly thinking about what I need in my next pair to make the days even bearable. So don't assume I can't talk about some good running shoes or flips flops, ya asshole author.

#28-He hates that short haircut
    Do we all? Can you make these blanket statements? I like short haircuts. Half the time really nice long hair, these days, is just hair extensions anyway. This should say, "he hates that weave". "he hates that nasty ass, horse hair weave." Publish that. You can quote me.

#32-Whatever it is you want in bed, he WILL do it (emphasis is original authors)
     Nope. Not even a little. I can think of like 13 things off the top of my head, and 9 of them involve a finger and my butt hole. The others involve a belt and neck, and that is how David Carradine died.

#34-Save the big piece of chicken for him
    What kinda of 1950's chauvinistic bull shit is this? He also likes it when you great him at the door in an apron, and hang his hat up for him. Make sure the kids are quiet, I want to hear the news about everything happening in the suburban expanse that Johnson has put through congress. Oh what time is it? better get to my bowling league, the gents don't like it when a member of the "Hiroshima Strikers" is late to practice. We call ourselves that because we all flew in the final mission of world war 2. Shut up.

#40- You need to be his moral compass
     He can't decide on his own if it is ok to bang out his secretary, or stab a guy with a broken bottle? You have to tell him? Do you tie his shoes for him too? Make sure you cut the crusts off his sandwich.

#43-Threesomes-he will never stop trying.
     Yes he will. What is worse than two 65 year old naked people? Three. Picture it. Really do it. Then throw up.

#48-He's not your dad.
     I hope Woody Allen's daughter isn't reading this list.

#49-You're not his mother. 
      I hope Oedipus's mom isn't reading this list.

#50-He's not as complicated as you are.
     Yes he is, most women just don't care enough to find out. Just because they wear there emotions so far out on their sleeves, doesn't mean a guy doesn't think about deep stuff from time to time. Don't be so damn judgmental, and ask a question from time to time you shallow twat.

    If you seriously take relationship advice from any sort of internet list, you should be a nun. If you can't function on a cognitive level high enough to be engaged with another person outside of watching "House of Cards" together, then please don't reproduce. Because if you are this shitty of a girlfriend, God help you with what kind of mother you would be.